Sometimes we all need a...

~Shel Silverstein

If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else!

 I'm lonely... 

I hate to admit it, especially because I have the very best friends and family that anyone could ask for, but when they all pair up with their significant others I wish that I had someone of my own. I realize that the reason for my loneliness is almost entirely due to my own lack of self-confidence and unwillingness to put myself out there. For most of my life, I've been content to be one of the guys, the confidante and best friend but never the romantic interest. If I didn't put myself out there I had no chance of getting hurt. Even when in a relationship, I was not confident to be myself and would hide behind my walls because I never truly believed that anyone would love me just for myself. This sabotage seems to be the worst because looking back I realize that I've not only hurt myself but others as well and that breaks my heart. I've had a life-long struggle with my own self image and it has probably cost me a lot of happiness, but I've finally come to a place where I realize that I have a lot to offer and I deserve to be happy so I need to make a change. 

As a wise woman once said, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else." So from this day forward, I'm making a resolution to think more positively, ignore that inner voice and learn to love myself! My goal is to gain enough confidence to put myself out there and find the person that is right for me, to accept that he may be Mr. Right Now instead of Mr. Right and that's ok, to muster the strength to stand up for myself and to never settle for anything less than perfect, and to accept the fact that if someone can't love me for exactly the person that I am then they aren't worth my time and energy. So let the transformation begin!!

If you don't like the road you're walking, start paving another one.

Step 2. Gotta get to gettin'... Once the decision was made and the arguments rebutted, it was time to put things into motion. Thank God for my wonderful best friend who was ready and willing to provide me with a place to start over, it may be fourteen hours away from my family and WAY out of my comfort zone but at this point in my life it's the right place for me. If only moving was easy...


Here's the part where I would normally complain about how incredibly difficult it is to pack up your entire life in roughly 3 days (because it's pretty much impossible to do!) But since the rushed nature of my packing was due to the fact that the month of December was simply too awesome to waste time packing this year, I'll refrain. Anyway, after returning to work for three days at the end of the year I was left with 3 days before we were supposed to hit the road and an immense amount of all sorts of whatnot that needed to be sorted through and packed up for the big day...surprisingly I don't seem to have missed anything terribly important which is a pretty huge achievement for me! 

On January 3rd at 9PM we hit the road! Daddy and Ali, my little sister, were leading the way with Elizabeth, the GPS, while Tater, my mostly dependable little car, and I brought up the rear. Even as we set out on our journey, my father was trying to convince me that it would be better if I stayed at home and pretty much at every subsequent rest stop he reiterated that it wasn't too late to turn back... I managed to maintain my composure and tell him each time that I was confident in my decision and that I would be able to make it on my own. I couldn't even be upset with him because despite his misgivings and the fact that he had openly told me from the very beginning that he didn't want me to go, he was willing to make the loooooonnnnnngg drive and help me leave the nest. 

Fourteen hours, many energy drinks, even more potty breaks, and a very long night later we arrived in Oxford and commenced to waiting for Ashlee to arrive...we'd managed to beat her to the house by about half an hour!  And I have to admit that although it was a grueling experience, it was also kinda fun and I was immensely proud of myself cause I'd made it. So after all the stress of packing and traveling, it was finally time to say goodbye to Ali and Dad and, in the words of my fellow large-bosomed gal Miss Dolly Parton, start paving my own road... 

As I'm travelin' this new road I know it won't always be smooth but I'm ready to meet every challenge and make my own way...and hopefully write a pretty interesting story too!

Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.

As I sit to write this on Martin Luther King Day, his wisdom seems to be apropos of my feelings the last few months. I feel as if I've taken a flying leap with no notion of how I'll land...and for once in my life that's alright. I have no plans, no family to rely on (of course, they're always there just a little less convenient when they're fourteen hours away), no small town full of people who watched me grow up, no one to take care of me but myself, and it feels wonderful. I feel as if I'm free. Now is my moment. Here is my opportunity to reinvent myself, to learn to love me for me, to grow into my own skin...and I plan on taking full advantage.

Step 1.  Make a decision and stick by it...no matter how unpopular it may be. When I actually decided to move to Mississippi I knew that I would encounter some resistance from my family, after all I had no job prospects or plans past packing up my car and hitting the road. However, I never anticipated the many arguments I would have to field in the upcoming months! It is wonderful to know that so many people care enough to worry but it is hard to stick by a decision when it seems as if everyone around you is convinced that you've lost your mind. I think it took the disagreements and arguments with those around me for me to finally realize that I was finally ready to take the first steps on my own. I've never been good at standing up for myself. I'm the consummate people-pleaser and have spent most of my life basing both my decisions and my actions upon what I thought would make others happy or proud of me. For the first time, I feel as if I've grown enough to stand on my own two feet and accept that not everyone will agree with me but if they truly love me they will stand behind me no matter what.

Although my decision was met with lots of yelling and even tears, I knew that in the end each and every one of them would stand behind me no matter what the outcome and that gave me the strength to take that step and have faith that what awaits me at the top of the staircase is worth the climb.